After less than 24 hours of deliberation, the College of Cardinals has elected Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina to become the Roman Catholic Church’s 266th leader, who will be the Church’s first-ever South American pope and who will be henceforth known as Pope Francis. Here are some facts about the new pope:
Date Of Birth: December 17, 1936
Date Of Death: November 16, 2015
Number Of People Who Don’t Give A Shit What He Thinks About Anything: Approximately 5.8 billion
Spouse: Isabel Alba Bergoglio
Children: Rebecca (b. 2002), Timothy (b. 2006)
Main Goals For Papacy: Keep Catholic people Catholic, convince other people to become Catholic
Old: Yes
White: Yes
Women’s Rights: Nah
Ability To Walk Up Steps Without Help: Not great
Highest-Charting Single:“Wanna Do Ya Girl (But tha Lord is My Love),” 1989, Arista Records
Official Website: techdeals.com
What He Thinks Heaven Is Like: Mix of clouds and astroturf
Outrage Over Sexual Abuse In Catholic Church: Yeah, sure