The Onion is proud to announce that in 2013, for the third year running, the newspaper’s title of World’s Most Powerful Person has been awarded to magician David Copperfield.
Though hundreds upon hundreds of names were considered by The Onion editorial board—individuals such as David Blaine, Criss Angel, Penn & Teller, and The Amazing Wayne of Clearwater, FL—it should come as no surprise that Mr. Copperfield has again risen above all others by virtue of his ability to physically bend time and space to his will through the indestructible power of magic.
To compile its annual list, The Onion measures all candidates along three crucial dimensions. Firstly, does the candidate possess telekinetic powers? In this respect, Mr. Copperfield has had very little competition. Not only can he levitate freely above the ground, defying gravity itself, but he is also capable of making the entire Statue of Liberty—a structure that stands at over 150 feet tall and weighs roughly 450,000 pounds—disappear and reappear at will. While The Onion was thoroughly impressed by the feats of other candidates, the fact that light beams shone directly through where the Statue of Liberty stood before disappearing provided more than enough evidence of Mr. Copperfield’s terrifying power. It is still unclear whether Mr. Copperfield merely rendered the statue invisible or whether he in fact opened a pocket dimension in which to temporarily move the statue, but the extent of his powers is staggering and clearly almost limitless.
The second criteria is, can the candidate survive what would otherwise be considered fatal amounts of physical trauma? Can they remain suspended upside down in a water tank for several minutes while escaping from a tightly strapped straitjacket? Or catch a bullet with their teeth? Criss Angel, for instance, is able to endure being run over by a full-sized steamroller and remain fully intact. However, in the view of The Onion board, no such feats of strength can match Mr. Copperfield’s capacity to survive being sawed entirely in half by a large circular blade—and not only survive, but maintain consciousness and move his feet after his lower body was completely separated from his torso. Perhaps in an even greater demonstration of his power, Mr. Copperfield can then reattach his lower half, stand up, and go about his day as though nothing happened. This, in the opinion of The Onion, demonstrates a power far greater—and far more terrifying—than any other human being alive today.
Indeed, the editorial board of this newspaper believes that Mr. Copperfield cannot, in fact, be killed.
And in the third and final metric, The Onion measures a candidate’s ability to bend the laws of the universe and subvert the natural forces that seemingly govern all things. While The Amazing Wayne deserves honorable mention for making a playing card hover several inches above its deck, this category is where Mr. Copperfield has truly been a standout. One must only consider his feat of walking through the Great Wall of China, during which he alters the entire molecular structure of his own body in such a way that he is rendered intangible, to clearly see that all forces of nature are indeed at Mr. Copperfield’s fingertips.
We at The Onion are in total awe of Mr. Copperfield, and he is very much worthy of this year’s title of World’s Most Powerful Person. He truly has no limits whatsoever, or at least not the same limits that apply to everyday people. Moreover, it is our firm and undying hope that Mr. Copperfield will continue to use his fearsome—one might even say godlike—powers for good, and not for evil and destruction. For should Mr. Copperfield’s temperament ever change, he could quite easily, from what he has demonstrated thus far, bring the very world to its knees. That he has not done this already only serves to show that his character and will are as strong as his magical abilities.
The Onion’s commemorative “Most Powerful People” issue will be available on newsstands everywhere this Friday and features the full 10,000-person list, as well as a 12-page photo spread of David Copperfield.