WASHINGTON—Waiting in line and nervously watching as, one by one, his fellow presidential candidates took their turn inside the machine, Gov. Scott Walker told reporters Thursday that the GOP Female Experience Simulator had so far left every contender for the party’s nomination disoriented, confused, and deeply distressed.
According to Walker, the 16 male candidates sat restlessly in folding chairs that had been set up in the basement of Republican National Committee headquarters, waiting in tense silence until the time came for them to walk up to the entrance, open the hatch, and step inside the simulator, a mechanical device designed to mimic the experience of being a woman in the United States.
The two-term Wisconsin governor admitted the sight of his party rivals emerging bewildered from the rectangular metal box had left him intensely concerned about the horrors that awaited within.
The two-term Wisconsin governor admitted the sight of his party rivals emerging bewildered from the rectangular metal box had left him intensely concerned about the horrors that awaited within.
“I have no idea what happens in there—none of us do,” said Walker, who noted that former Florida governor Jeb Bush had bounded confidently into the Female Experience Simulator, only to emerge minutes later looking deathly pale, clutching his head, and murmuring incoherently to himself. “I know [RNC chairman] Reince [Priebus] says we have to do this if we want to win, but right now I’m terrified to go in there. Whatever it is, that thing seems to be ripping everyone to shreds.”
“When Bobby [Jindal] came out of there, he was just completely unresponsive, almost catatonic,” Walker added. “I don’t think he even recognized me.”
The simulator is reportedly seen by top Republican strategists as their last best hope of forcing the party’s candidates to connect with women voters. Beltway insiders confirmed that each potential nominee is required by the RNC to spend a minimum of 15 minutes inside the machine, and that GOP operatives have been instructed not to let anyone exit the reinforced-titanium chamber early, no matter how loud the pained screams from inside may become.
Hunched over and appearing to break into a cold sweat, Walker explained that his growing dread of the simulator was not eased by the fact that medical personnel had set up a triage station at the machine’s exit and were standing by with oxygen masks, a gurney, and IV bags.
“Oh, my God, look at Marco! What happened to him?” Walker said when a glassy-eyed Sen. Rubio stumbled out of the chamber, his aides immediately throwing a blanket over his shoulders and offering him a glass of water while a paramedic checked the dilation of his pupils. “Nobody’s making it out of there in one piece. Mike [Huckabee] was the first to go in, and the next time we saw him he had this shell-shocked look frozen on his face. He just wasn’t the same person. Walked right out of the building and kept going. Who knows what’s happened to him by now?”
“Then Rand [Paul] realized he was up next and puked all over the place,” Walker continued. “His knees literally buckled, and it took three men to carry that poor guy through the door and into the simulator. God, I don’t even know if the presidency’s worth this kind of torture.”
At press time, sources confirmed that a GOP official had pulled the Female Experience Simulator’s emergency-stop lever after a hysterically screaming Sen. Ted Cruz began smashing himself against the glass of the door, tearing off his clothes, and drawing blood as he clawed at his own flesh.