Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ve read the instructions on how it’s made, talked to people who claim to have made it, even seen videos of people making it, but you can’t shake the feeling that when it comes to toast the toaster does all the work.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While you admire his technical execution and admit he had a nice gimmick going, you have no idea who Michelangelo’s target market was supposed to be.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You can’t shake the feeling there has to be more to life than “seductively unzip the jacket, primly zip up the jacket” all week long.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll be shunned at work when you go from indifference toward Whitney Houston’s death to bursting into tears over her in a disturbingly short time.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll receive hundreds of unsolicited estimates from eager housepainters when you mention your love of Jackson Pollock while walking past a Home Depot.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your short but remarkable career as the Serge Gainsbourg of country music will end Thursday as disgustingly as it began.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’re as envious of the moneyed classes as you are disgusted by their distance from and disregard for everyday life, but you’re still no F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Just as you’re coming to terms with the challenges and rewards of living alone, you begin to suspect someone else is still alive out there in the radioactive rubble.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Sometimes you feel like the whole world is spinning, spinning, spinning at a dizzying rate, causing the passage of day and night as well as fearsome Coriolis winds in the tropical regions.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
When future biographers address your astoundingly large body of poetic work they’ll just skip right past it, partly because it’s fairly complex stuff but mostly because they’re writing your biography as punishment.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’re the kind of boring person doomed to be alone while trying to solve all the problems instead of hanging out with the cool people while assigning blame.