ORLANDO, FL—Disgusted with the total childishness of those around her, 13-year-old Alexis Keefe announced Monday that she can't believe how immature everyone is.
"Everyone in the world is, like, so immature," said Keefe, rolling her eyes at a group of boys playing dodgeball during lunch recess. "I mean, when are people going to grow up? We're in eighth grade now, but everyone still runs around and plays baby games and acts completely retarded all the time."
In addition to the juvenile behavior of her classmates, Keefe is forced to endure the immaturity of her younger sister, who doesn't even know what fractions are; the produce manager at the grocery store, who whistles constantly; the youth-group leader at her family's church, who wants everyone to hold hands like they're in nursery school; the clerk with all the buttons at Payless Shoes; and, worst of all, her parents.
"My dad is always singing these dumb songs and telling stupid knock-knock jokes. I mean, get real. Knock-knock jokes? That is, like, so third grade," Keefe said. "Plus, he always calls pajamas 'PJs.' Excuse me?"
Her father, Richard Keefe, admitted that he does get "a little silly" sometimes, but stressed that he is making every effort to be respectful of his daughter's exceptional maturity.
"Alexis is quickly becoming a young woman, so her mother and I are always trying to think of family activities that take this into account," Keefe said. "We've come to find that this excludes such infantile activities as holding family sing-alongs, getting Blizzards at Dairy Queen, watching Animal Planet, visiting Grandma, shopping at Sears, swimming at the public pool, going to the planetarium, playing Frisbee, and pretty much anything else that requires Alexis to leave her room or get out of the car."
Even Keefe's best friends have come under fire for their immaturity. "I really like Becky [Christopher] and Jen [Ingrassia], but sometimes they're totally embarrassing to be around. I mean, Becky goes to karate class, and Jen listens to Z-96. How immature can you be?"
Added Keefe: "Sometimes I think Becky and Jen need to go back to Miss Schukal's kindergarten class or wear diapers or something."
Among other things Keefe avoids at all costs: stuffed animals, pancakes, mittens as opposed to gloves, digital watches, pencils instead of pens, cotton candy, animated movies, sandals, yo-yos, ponytail holders, sack lunches and white nylons.
"We should consider ourselves lucky to have such a discriminating individual in our midst," said Marjorie Schu, Keefe's guidance counselor at Eastlake Junior High School. "It was only two years ago that Alexis was a watchdog for all things that were 'boring,' and before that she was foremost in her class in pointing out things that were 'gay.'"
"What will be next?" Schu asked. "Will she move on to combat the 'lameness' that surrounds her, or will she choose to speak out against things that are 'fake' or 'cheap'? I guess all we can do is wait and see."