OLATHE, KS—Despite numerous reservations and misgivings He harbored about the 33-year-old mortgage broker, Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Our Holy Savior, reportedly entered the heart of Derek Moehr on Wednesday, reluctantly illuminating the local man with His divine grace.
Christ, who described Moehr as “kind of a deadbeat” and “not a particularly great husband or father,” said that He was hesitant to fill Moehr’s soul with the Word of God, but conceded that, as the Heavenly Redeemer of Mankind, He ultimately felt He had no choice but to allow His holy spirit to dwell inside the Wells Fargo employee.
“It usually brings me great joy to share my love and forgiveness with all God’s children, but when Derek sought the holy power of my redemption, I have to admit that I really wanted no part of it,” said Christ, explaining His unease over building a spiritual communion with a man He described as “all in all, pretty annoying.” “I would have been perfectly happy with never cleansing Derek of his sins and transgressions, but, unfortunately, when a believer reaches out to me with faith in their hearts, I kind of have to reach back, even if it’s Derek.”
“But I just want to make it clear this was not my idea,” the Messiah added. “The last thing I want is to be this guy’s personal savior.”
The Lamb of God, who admitted He was “not particularly thrilled” at having to deliver Moehr from suffering and bondage, said that He wavered before entering the suburban father’s heart, reportedly giving serious consideration to whether or not to allow him to continue languishing in darkness. However, after taking a moment to compose Himself, Christ said He took a deep breath, gritted His teeth, and allowed His divine love to wash over the Kansas City–area resident.
Christ further stated that He is hoping to avoid providing Moehr with daily spiritual nourishment and guidance, saying that He hoped instead to simply point the man in the right direction and “let him figure it out from there.”
“Right now, I’m only bathing Derek in a little bit of my healing light, and I’m reserving the rest of it for later until I see how things go,” the Son of Man said amid sighs. “I honestly can’t believe I have to walk alongside this guy for the rest of his days. Believe me, though, if he runs into adversity or temptation, there’s no way I’m carrying him or lifting the weight from his shoulders. That’s up to him.”
Additionally, the Light of the World told reporters that He was not looking forward to providing Moehr with an entire lifetime of serenity and peace, lamenting that there were billions of other people in the world who could have been reborn in His name instead.
“To be honest, before Derek confessed his sins, repented, and sought my grace in pious supplication, I was really looking forward to sitting on my throne and judging him,” said Christ, noting that if it were up to Him, Moehr would still be spiritually empty and adrift. “I definitely thought I’d be condemning him in a few decades and casting his soul into the lake of fire and brimstone. That was an idea that I was 100 percent behind.”
“I honestly never thought Derek of all people would actually commit his life to me,” the frustrated King of Kings added. “And frankly, I don’t see why this always has to be my responsibility.”
According to Christ, “if all goes well” He hopes to abide in Moehr’s heart just long enough to release the man of the sinful nature he was born with, at which point He expected take a more passive and hands-off role in which He only rarely reentered Moehr to renew his faith.
The Holy One, however, was reportedly dejected to learn that Moehr had been eagerly discussing his newfound devotion to Christ to his friends and family, pledging to them that this was “only the start of a long, intimate journey with the Lord by [his] side.”
“Touching someone’s life is one thing, but then having to reveal myself to them daily as the Living Savior, serve as their personal shepherd, and perpetually lead them on the path of righteousness—that’s really a lot to ask, especially if it’s some smug, stuck-up guy like Derek,” Christ said. “Frankly, I can’t wait until God sends a great tribulation to test his faith. With any luck, his conviction will break and I can just get the hell out of there.”
At press time, the Son of God reportedly sighed and resigned Himself to the likelihood that He would have to welcome Moehr into His heavenly kingdom and spend eternal life in the obnoxious loser’s presence.