NEW YORK—Saying he would be fine “just taking a load off” and eating in, rock icon David Bowie reportedly asked his wife, Somali supermodel and actress Iman, if they should just do lasagna for dinner again Monday.
The 66-year-old singer-songwriter, musician, actor, and producer, who once reinvented himself as a gender-bending extraterrestrial rock star named Ziggy Stardust, as well as an emotionless Aryan superman named The Thin White Duke, then looked through the couple’s refigerator and, noted they still had a jar of Mario Batali pasta sauce and a “pretty full” box of lasagna noodles in the cupboard.
“Hon, it looks like we have most of the stuff we need for lasagna, should we just do that again?” said the provocative pansexual front man who once called his ex-wife claiming that he had been kidnapped by a warlock and two witches. “We could add some fresh basil, too. I’m pretty sure there’s some in the crisper drawer.”
“Huh. Looks like this basil is about to go,” added the man who at the height of his drug addiction sang a Christmas duet of “The Little Drummer Boy” with Bing Crosby. “I’m just going to use the dried stuff from the spice rack.”
Sources confirmed the nine-time platinum recording artist—who claimed at one point in the 70s to have subsisted on a diet of red peppers, cocaine, and milk—then preheated the oven, started boiling a pot of water, and searched around inside the kitchen cabinets, at one point asking Iman if she had seen the “good baking pan.” In addition, Bowie, who allegedly had an affair with Rolling Stones lead vocalist Mick Jagger at the pinnacle of the glam rock era, suggested that the “fridge needed a quick wipe down” while grabbing a carrot, a cucumber, and a box of organic spinach to make a quick salad. Iman, one of the fashion world’s most legendary ethnic supermodels, noted philanthropist, and entrepreneur, reportedly ripped a page off of a notepad hanging on the refrigerator door and wrote “Windex, aluminum foil, milk” below a lengthy list of items.
“Uh-oh, we’re out of parm,” said Iman, who once was referred to by Yves Saint-Laurent as his “dream woman,” to her husband, a larger-than-life rock superstar who once fully inhabited the persona of an alien messiah. “Would you mind running out and getting some? Also, could you pick up the cool mint Listerine from CVS?”
“And Dave, the drain in the upstairs bathroom is clogged,” added one of the world’s most glamorous women. “It was making this weird noise today. I heard it when I was cleaning out the tub. We need some more of that tub cleaner stuff, by the way.”
Bowie, whose cocaine-fueled paranoia once reportedly prompted him to draw protective pentagrams on every surface of his home, secured a chip clip onto a bag of Pirate’s Booty and tossed a rubber band he retrieved from the floor into the junk drawer.
Sources confirmed the rock legend, recognized for mixing British mod, mime, and Japanese kabuki styles to bring art rock to a mainstream audience, pulled on a windbreaker, slipped on a pair of Asics sneakers, and reportedly spent several minutes considering his grocery list.
Speculating that he would just stop off at Gourmet Garage and pick up a couple things on the way to CVS, the voracious bisexual who developed an abiding fascination with Third Reich iconography while living in Berlin with Iggy Pop, reportedly broke a dog treat in half, fed it to his pet, and rifled through a pile of mail.
“Hey, hon, DVR The Amazing Race now so we don’t miss the opening,” said the man who once hallucinated that witches wanted to steal his semen to produce a child to be slaughtered in a satanic sacrifice. “And just text me if you need me to pick up anything else.”
“Okay, love you,” said the glamrock pioneer, noted for boldly reinventing himself countless times in the span of his life and career, as he opened the front door to his home. “Back soon.”