Still unsure what to get everyone on your list this holiday season? The Onion has you covered with its guide to all of the year’s hottest gifts:
Prosthetic legs
Eighty-seven percent of dads have lost their legs and are forced to crawl around their homes. Buy your dad a pair of prosthetic legs today! $1,119
One white baby, no strings attached
Ever wanted a white baby, fast, but couldn’t get past all the red tape? This 8-pound bundle of joy is happy, healthy, and 100 percent Caucasian. Order today and it’s yours—no papers, no hassle, no questions.* $1,275 *Baby may have Down syndrome
A successful dueling piano bar franchise
You’re still going to have to be competitive with The 88 Keys Bar down the way, but you’ll have talented piano players, a friendly staff, and classic tunes to the heart’s content! It’s called Ivories. $70,000
A chance to moderate a panel on human rights violations in the Congo
What caused the deaths of 10 million Congolese under the rule of Leopold II of Belgium? Why have so many leaders refused to describe this as genocide? Explore these questions and more as you moderate a panel discussion on human rights violations in the Congo! Just choose your academic conference, buy your own plane ticket, and show up in time for registration. $1,295
Foreskin restoration surgery
Experts will say circumcision is a common and safe procedure, but you know better. Make things right again by restoring the prepuce around your glans at one of the nation’s premier centers for genital surgery. $20,000 for non-surgical procedure; $30,000 for surgical procedure
Autographed Logan Forsythe ninth career home run ball
Own the very ball that the San Diego Padres second baseman Logan Forsythe hit out of the park against Miami Marlins pitcher Ricky Nolasco on June 28, 2013—autographed by Forsythe himself! Includes an acrylic display cube for ultimate bragging rights. $18
Two-hour golf lesson alongside James Cromwell
Get tips on your golf game from a certified PGA instructor during a group lesson that also happens to feature veteran character actor James Cromwell, acclaimed star of L.A. Confidential and Six Feet Under, who has recently decided to take up golf. Improve your game 40 to 80 feet away from James as he improves his too! Lessons subject to cancellation or change. $360
Terminally ill dog
Wary of the cost and time needed to properly care for a new puppy? Buy one of these terminally ill dogs and you’ll never have to worry. Dogs are available in a variety of terminal illnesses including canine distemper, degenerative mitral valve disease, myasthenia gravis, and parvovirus. $150-$300
Pompeii child
This volcanic rock from Pompeii in the shape of an agonized child, frozen in time, is the perfect addition to any entrance hall, foyer, or garden. Add father, mother, dog, and slave pieces to create a stunning tableau! $1,050-$1,350
Nipple distance measurement tape
Stylishly designed and very flexible, this easy-to-use tape allows users to finally measure the distance between their nipples. Also comes with hands-free clamps. $39.95
Crate full of otters
Some are alive, many are dead. Crate measures 48” x 32” x 30”. Please allow six to eight weeks for shipment. $199.95
“Clint Eastwood Presents The West” 906-Movie Clint Eastwood DVD Western Pack
No Eastwood fan will be able to resist this set of 906 Clint westerns including early classics like Hang ’Em High and Pale Rider, timeless masterpieces like The West He Rides, Man Of The West, and the West Man trilogy, and more recent hits like Cactus Joe, Rootin’ Tootin’ 2, and Gun Cousins.
Other titles in set include: The Ranch Hand, The Rider With No Name, Quick-Draw Johnny, Deadman Flats, Prickly Creek, Spurs And Saddle, The Horse Rider, Western Riders, Go West Young Rider, Shoot ’Er Here, Shoot ’Er There, The Horse Shooter, The Dust Shooter, The Cowboy Shooter, Tumbleweed, The Six-Gun Man, The Six-Gun Man Rides Again, The Six-Gun Man Returns: Day Of Reckoning, The Man From El Paso, The Man From Dodge, The Man From Sioux City, The Man From Tombstone, The Man From El Dorado, Wanted Gun Man, Texarkana!, Ghost Town 2, Pistolslinger, The Solo Ranger, Hell Canyon In-Laws, Saddle Pals, Dakota Rifle, Barn, Gun The Woman Down, Wild Wet West, The Secret Of Rifle Ridge, The Guns Of Fort Gunnington, Mr. Sheriff, Gun For Loan, Once Upon A Gun, Outlaw’s Second Cousin, Cowbert, Dial ‘W’ For Western, Butch Cassidy Meets The Wolf Man, The Lonesome Inn Keep, Horse-Riding Stranger, Really Bad Day At Black Rock, Ambush At Hell’s Crossroads, The Hootenanny Massacre, The Big Cowboy, Blood Canyon, Pistol-Using Gentlemen, A Minute To Pray, A Second To Die For Mankind’s Sins, Return Of The Stranger, Are You There God? It’s Me, The Gunfighter, Shallow Grave, A Payment In Dust, Billy The Cripple Kid, Blood For A Sand Dollar, Beautiful Gunset, Ride Into The Wind, Skedaddle!, The Gentle Cattleman, The Gentle Cattleman Fights Back, The Gentle Cattleman’s Son, Howdy, Gunfire At Christmas Canyon, Christmas At Hell’s Ridge, Birthday Cowboy, Dead Horse Oxbow Desperado Gulch Canyon, There’s A New Cheryl In Town, Aw Shucks, and Horsey!