YAKIMA, WA—Watching in amazement as their classmate Doug Horgan received yet another free miniature box of cereal and a banana Tuesday morning, first-graders at Eisenhower Elementary surmised that the pampered 6-year-old must be very well-connected. “I think Doug knows Principal [Dennis] Garcia or something, or maybe his dad is famous,” fellow student Eric Reynolds told reporters, noting with awe that all Horgan has to do to get free food is walk up to the counter and show his “super-special ticket.” “He’s allowed to pick out whether he wants a muffin or yogurt and the lady just gives it to him. I even heard that a teacher used her own money to go out and buy him pencils and crayons to draw with!” According to Eisenhower Elementary sources, if the free stuff wasn’t enough, Horgan also gets to watch TV all night while his mom is out working.