Flu season is in full swing with at least 25 states reporting widespread cases of the illness. Here are The Onion’s tips for beating the flu:
- Be between the ages of 2 and 79
- To prevent yourself from becoming sicker, avoid contact with any and all microscopic organisms
- Ensure plenty of rest by getting hit by a truck and falling into a deep coma
- Keep yourself hydrated by drinking plenty of bodily fluids
- Put on a brave face for the children
- Decongest your sinuses by standing over a steaming manhole cover
- Extract powerful flu-fighting antioxidants from fruits and berries by employing separation technology to make a serum, submitting the resulting serum to an adsorption process, and using ethanol or acetate to remove and collect the adsorbed antioxidants from the serum resin
- Dwell on your symptoms long enough and you’ll slowly convince yourself it’s syphilis
- For God’s sake, just keep living