INDIANAPOLIS—While watching the NFL playoffs Saturday, local man Steve Gordon, who barely moved for five straight hours as he slouched on his couch, reportedly announced that the defense needed to be more physical and deliver punishing hits. “Come on, get up, move—just smack ’em,” said the man who hadn’t even gotten up to use the bathroom since the early game. “They should be flying around out there and slamming into the ball carrier at full speed. Let’s see a little effort. The linebacker just has to shove blockers out of his way, rush up the field, grab the quarterback, and whip him to the turf.” According to living room sources, Gordon expressed frustration with the lack of hustle by defenders and with the excruciating pain in his back, which he twisted awkwardly at halftime while attempting to adjust a cushion.