ATHENS, OH—Planning ahead to ensure he is adequately prepared for life after college, Ohio University senior Kyle Huber confirmed to reporters Monday that he already has an excruciating 14-month employment search lined up and waiting for him when he graduates this spring.
The marketing major stated that, far from exiting school without a clear direction or goal in mind, he has prepared himself to “hit the ground running” right away with a prolonged, demoralizing, and desperate job hunt.
“Once I get my diploma this spring, I’m pretty much all set to begin this new, dispiriting chapter in my life on the right foot,” said Huber, who confirmed that he already has firm plans to move to a city where he’ll live with five roommates in a small apartment while hopelessly chasing down leads on unappealing dead-end positions he isn’t qualified for anyway. “I’ve even gotten a head start by setting up a bunch of informational interviews so I can begin to build up a network of contacts who won’t be able to help me find a job.”
“As far as my bleak, angst-ridden post-graduation life goes, I think it’s safe to say I have things all nailed down,” he added.
The 22-year-old stated that his preparations will allow him, come May, to “dive right in” to fruitless tasks such as scouring online job listings, endlessly revising a résumé no one will ever look at, and submitting 10 to 20 job applications every day to which he will never receive a single reply, positive or negative. Huber added that he is “way ahead” of his classmates in terms of planning for his upcoming unemployment, noting that many of his peers have not yet even begun to think about how they will struggle and fail to secure a source of income upon leaving college.
According to the diligent, proactive student, he has already arranged to meet with disinterested alumni from his school working in barely relevant fields, friends’ parents who hardly know him, and career counselors who will probably just direct him toward unpaid internships that, after having applied, he will frustratingly learn are only open to those still attending college.
“I even have a start date—May 12—set for my employment search, which means I’ll have to jump right into it without missing a beat,” said Huber, claiming that his undergraduate years have more than equipped him to handle the 40 hours per week of tedious perusing that his dismal job hunt will require. “Luckily, I already have some experience humiliating myself in front of potential employers at college job fairs, so I won’t be a complete novice.”
“Given the amount of thought and preparation I’ve put into this, I definitely feel ready to head out there into the real world and start receiving hundreds of curt, dismissive responses from companies telling me no positions are available,” he added.
Huber remarked that with three or four halfhearted, uninformed letters of recommendation under his belt already, he believes he has all the false hope he needs to get him through the next couple years. But should he lose interest as the long months go by, Huber reported that he won’t be afraid to take a trip back to his college’s career center, beg for more help, sit through a vapid seminar on how to “nail” an interview, and spend the better part of an afternoon idly browsing through job pamphlets and wondering what more he possibly has to do.
“And it’s not like I’m going into this punishing nightmare of nonstop employer rejection without a backup plan,” Huber said. “If I feel it’s not for me, I have plenty of other options. Say I decide I want to pursue an advanced degree solely as a stalling maneuver amid the agonizing and unending search for work and not because I have any interest in the subject whatsoever—that’s still 100 percent on the table. For now, though, I’m just focusing on pouring myself into the 14-month living hell awaiting me this spring.”
“And who knows?” he continued. “I don’t want to speak too soon, but it’s definitely something I could see myself sticking with for the next few years or maybe even longer.”