TOLEDO, OH—According to reports, the intermittent flicker of fireflies above Charles Michaelson’s front porch Friday evening came close, but ultimately fell just short of salvaging his shitty day. “Oh, look, fireflies,” said Michaelson as he stared at the silently blinking green-yellow lights, briefly forgetting about his mishandling of a work project, gridlocked commute, and the doctor’s bill that was waiting in his mailbox. “That’s nice. I didn’t realize that they would still be out at this time of year.” At press time, Michaelson reportedly turned to look at the glowing insects a second time before realizing that, ultimately, fireflies do not solve anything.