Cancer | June 21 to July 22
All celestial signs point to you suddenly coming into possession of a great deal of twisted aircraft-grade aluminum, charred wiring, and burning jet fuel, but it’s not what you think.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You try to be an accepting person, but you still don’t see why some people can’t be a nice, normal gender instead of women.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Turns out that while dogs can’t actually smell fear, they’re really good at smelling who likes to carry bacon around in their pockets.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
When you think about it, there’s really only one way to quit your job at the refinery in a way they’ll remember for hundreds of years.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You, your couch, and your TV will be whisked away to a remote island by a wealthy sportsman who has waited all his life to hunt the Least Dangerous Game.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Once again, you’ll be saved from boredom by the fact that matches are often given away for free in establishments that sell alcohol.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It’s not wearing a white dress to your third wedding that people will find odd. It’s the blood of your two previous husbands on the veil and train.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Truth be told, you haven’t been a very good father, but it’s not your fault that the mothers of your children haven’t informed you of their existence.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll receive a recorded message from your future self in which you appear extremely insistent that an unspecified person be thanked for a waffle recipe.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A journey of self-improvement ends almost before it starts when you find out there’s a kind of waffle stuffed with cheese and booze.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your coworkers seem to be hinting that they wouldn’t mind if you got rid of that beard, but you’ve been married to her for almost 10 years now.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Pluto rising in your sign this week indicates vast trouble ahead, as you really shouldn’t be able to see it with the naked eye like that.