ITHACA, NY—According to a Cornell University study released Wednesday, nearly three in four bedroom closets in U.S. family residences currently contain the wife’s naked, crouching boy toy. “After examining more than 20,000 closets nationwide, we found that a full 73 percent of them are presently occupied by a young pool boy, landscaper, or teenage neighbor who is peering through the door slats either fully nude or in hastily donned boxer shorts,” read the 40-page report, which confirmed that each one of the boy toys is, at this moment, hiding among the husband’s hanging dress shirts while attempting to remain completely motionless and control the volume of his breathing. “Also, in over 90 percent of these cases, we found that the cowering swain is looking on wide-eyed as the negligee-clad wife scrambles to assume a seated position on the bed and give the appearance that she’s just casually flipping through a magazine on her nightstand.” The study went on to note that the remaining 27 percent of the nation’s bedroom closets contain the husband’s boy toy.