WASHINGTON—Drawing on data gathered during the most recent decennial survey of the American populace, the U.S. Census Bureau announced Wednesday that the country is composed of more than 316 million complete nothings who do not matter in the least.
“Based on our analysis, we can conclude that the United States is a broad patchwork of nobodies; a collection of hundreds of millions of insignificant data points who, across all demographic characteristics, share the common trait of being entirely unexceptional,” said Census Bureau director John H. Thompson at an afternoon press event, confirming that, from coast to coast and in both rural and urban locations, the population was nearly uniformly bland and inconsequential. “We tallied almost a third of a billion citizens one by one from all walks of life and discovered that each individual was even more forgettable than the last.”
“And this held true as census takers canvassed all 50 states and overseas territories,” Thompson added. “Honestly, it was just nobody after nobody after nobody.”
Officials from the Census Bureau confirmed that the latest data revealed a number of growing trends throughout the United States, verifying that the population of Latino nobodies has increased by 43 percent since 2000 and has more than doubled since 1990, likely due to the continued immigration of total nothings with absolutely zero name recognition.
Additionally, Thompson stated that the suburbs of metropolitan areas in the South and West exhibited the nation’s fastest growth of nobodies, highlighting in particular the area that surrounds Orlando, FL; the “Nobody Triangle” section of North Carolina; and the rapidly growing population of lame nonentities around Las Vegas, Phoenix, Atlanta, and several cities in Texas. This pattern is indicative of a slow shift of dull, negligible individuals out of the Northeast that has been occurring since the 1950s, officials said.
“Although thousands of older Americans whose boring faces you wouldn’t recognize die off every day, they are constantly being replaced by more no-name zeros who aren’t worth caring about in the slightest,” said Thompson, confirming that the data also showed a steady rise in the number of minority nobodies and same-sex nobody couples. “In fact, we found entire cities inhabited by vast uninteresting masses who would have gone completely unnoticed had we not been compelled to formally count them. Our workers walked around for days knocking on apartment doors and encountered nothing but anonymous dopes and their anonymous-dope families.”
“I mean, Dennis Blancheck from Denver? First of all, who the fuck is that, and secondly, who gives a shit?” he continued. “I don’t.”
According to data compiled by the Census Bureau, no one has ever heard of 89 percent of Americans, while 93 percent do not possess even a single unique quality worth mentioning at all. In addition, officials affirmed that 76 percent could disappear tomorrow and nobody would know, care, or be affected in any way, and in fact the country might be better off without them.
“The whole exercise of documenting how the U.S. population can be arranged into various segments is somewhat pointless because, frankly, no one cares about any one of you losers’ education, income, age—no one cares anything about you. No one,” Thompson said. “Although I have to say that during the process we did get one census form from Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.”
“That was pretty great,” he added. “Now that’s somebody.”