CHAMPAIGN, IL—According to a study published this week by researchers at the University of Illinois, an individual’s ability to get a good night’s sleep may be directly influenced by having made a decision 20 years ago to walk out on their family and never return. “In many cases, we found that chronic insomnia is strongly linked to reaching one’s breaking point on a winter evening back in 1994, waiting until everyone in the house was in bed, and then driving off into the night without looking back,” said study co-author Tim Liu, who noted a close correlation between erratic delta waves during stage 3 of the sleep cycle and not having spoken to your daughter since you tucked her in that night when she was 7. “Additionally, we saw that while nearly everyone who deserted their loved ones experienced some form of sleep loss, those who exhibited the most restless nights were the ones who told their new families they were off working on container ships 20 years ago instead of coming clean about the spouse and three children they left behind halfway across the country.” In a related finding, the researchers also concluded that individuals who carry on extramarital affairs with someone their spouse trusts sleep eight hours every night and always awake fully rested.