ZURICH—Arriving from around the world for a three-day political summit, the highest-ranking government officials from over 190 nations have gathered in Zurich this week for direct talks on how fucking incredible it is to run a country.
The annual international forum, which is attended by presidents, prime ministers, and various other heads of state from global superpowers as well as emerging countries, is expected to address such longstanding points of discussion as how unbelievably awesome it is to control an entire nation’s political system, command its military, and directly influence the lives of every single person within its borders.
“While those of us gathered in this room may have differences in our politics and our ideologies, there is one thing that unites every one of us: We are each the single most influential, valuable, and powerful person in countries composed of millions of people, and that is fucking amazing,” said U.S. president Barack Obama in the summit’s opening keynote address. “Every single thing we do—simply because of who we are—is very, very important. Honest to God, I could stand up here and recite a string of random numbers for two hours if I wanted and it would be front-page news. Everything I’m saying right now is going to be all over magazines and the internet, and—here’s what’s really insane—people will actually read every last word of it and analyze it. And best of all, nobody can tell us what to do—nobody. Just think for a second about how goddamn incredible that is.”
“I mean, holy shit,” Obama continued. “We can do anything. Fucking anything.”
According to sources in attendance, the conference began with a roundtable discussion regarding how awesome it is to go on national television at a moment’s notice while hundreds of journalists from their country’s most prominent media outlets clamor to hear them speak and ask them questions. Several breakout sessions were reportedly held later in the day during which Western and Asian leaders debated a variety of topics, including having schools, libraries, and airports named after them; getting to look at top-secret documents every morning; seeing their pictures in the newspaper all the time; and having the power to declare full-scale wars on other countries—each of which was confirmed by officials to totally kick ass.
Sources revealed that a subcommittee of G8 nations then engaged in high-level talks until the early hours of the morning, ultimately issuing a joint statement affirming the stance that it’s totally mind-blowing to possess nuclear launch codes and to be “no shit, one phone call away from dropping an actual atomic bomb.”
“Each of the attendees has been highly pleased with the talks thus far,” said summit aide Zachary Bellion, adding that there was unanimous agreement on a proposal requiring all world leaders to take a few moments every day to consider just how unbelievable it is to have famous actors portray their lives in television shows and movies. “Perhaps the most emotional moment came when Ecuadorian president Rafael Correa rose to speak. He delivered an impassioned address in which he stressed that, despite leading a relatively small nation, he still has an around-the-clock security staff whose job entails taking a bullet for him if necessary, which he said is pretty much the most badass thing ever. His words brought the entire assembly to its feet in raucous applause. It was incredibly moving.”
Despite a largely cordial atmosphere, several points of contention have reportedly arisen throughout the conference, most notably when various heads of the European Union disagreed with Chinese president Xi Jinping’s assertion that the coolest aspect of running a country is having a 20-vehicle motorcade wherever you go. European officials were reportedly adamant that being saluted by military officers on the tarmac while stepping off a private jet is way fucking cooler—with German chancellor Angela Merkel in particular steadfastly refusing to concede the point—which led to a brief diplomatic impasse.
Tensions are said to have quickly dissipated, however, after leaders voted on the question of how much it rules to be flown to places like Zurich and stay in the nicest hotels for free while spending time with other incredibly powerful world leaders, with a final vote of 192 to 0 determining that it “rules so freaking hard.”
The assembly also reportedly reached an overwhelming consensus on the position that, after running a country, going back to not running a country at some point would really, really fucking suck.
“The summit has been very successful in bringing leaders together to find common ground that we can all unequivocally agree on,” Russian president Vladimir Putin told reporters after closed-door talks with U.K. prime minister David Cameron over how cool as shit it is to know that they both will be written about in history books and encyclopedias for hundreds of years to come. “Like the rest of the attendees here, I can declare a national state of emergency and have tanks on the streets in a matter of hours. I can spend taxpayer money on whatever the hell I want. Hell, I can make tomorrow Vladimir Putin Day if I really feel like it.”
“Being in charge of a country is the fucking best,” added Putin, smiling. “And I plan on doing it for a long, long time.”