Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the first night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention:
Karla Ortiz (Daughter Of Undocumented Immigrant):
The 11-year-old will speak to the trials and heartache that must be endured by those who have to sit through this interminable fucking convention
Astrid Silva (DREAMer Activist):
This Mexican émigré will be tasked with contradicting Trump’s stance on immigrants by standing onstage and not committing a single atrocity
Bernie Sanders (Senator, Vermont):
Will expound upon all the reasons Donald Trump is a terrible choice for president while intermittently gesturing toward Hillary Clinton’s general vicinity
Eva Longoria (Actor):
The television star will use this opportunity to announce her intention to run for Tim Kaine’s vacated Senate seat
Cory Booker (Senator, New Jersey):
The former mayor of Newark is expected to resonate with DNC attendees, as he’ll be speaking on what it’s like to invest your time and energy into something no one likes
Michelle Obama (First Lady):
This may be one of her last chances to execute an obese child on live TV
Joseph Kennedy III (U.S. Representative, Massachusetts):
Will serve as reminder to any skeptics that America will never be free of any of its political family dynasties and shouldn’t fight it
Elizabeth Warren (Senator, Massachusetts):
Is expected to disappoint the audience by not being allowed to accept the nomination in her speech