Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the third night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention:
Martin O’Malley (Former Governor, Maryland):
Will fail to gain any traction in his speech and be forced to leave the stage early
Jerry Brown (Governor, California):
Parched and severely dehydrated, the California governor will use his last ounce of strength to pull himself up to the podium and beg for help
Michael Bloomberg (CEO, Bloomberg L.P.):
Now it’s the DNC’s turn to roll out a disliked former mayor of New York City
Tim Kaine (Vice Presidential Nominee):
Pundits are warning that the Virginia senator might go off-teleprompter to add in a missing preposition
Joe Biden (Vice President):
Has promised that after he gets up onstage and delivers a stirring speech, there “won’t be a single dry thigh in the house”
Barack Obama (President):
Will share his experiences of holding the highest office in the nation to argue that being president tends to require someone who is relatively rational and can maintain a single stream of thought