Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:
STEP 1
Warner Bros. executive catches old rerun of The Rifleman and thinks, “I could make that cost a quarter of a billion dollars”
STEP 2
Screenwriter commissioned to develop a story that’s splashy, family-friendly, and has a hard July 24, 2017 release date
STEP 3
Meryl Streep declines to participate
STEP 4
Repeated production delays caused by prima donna CGI animator refusing to come out of his trailer
STEP 5
Classically trained Shakespearean actor privately wonders why his character wants to blow up planet Earth
STEP 6
Studio hands off total creative control to illustrious, visionary test audience
STEP 7
Top minds at Burger King tapped for limited-edition cup collaboration
STEP 8
Year-long marketing rollout to get the public intrigued, then excited, then cautiously optimistic, then annoyed, then intolerant of upcoming film
STEP 9
Critics sent advance screeners and encouraged to keep reviews to one or two words, tops
STEP 10
Home video and overseas markets swoop in to make everything all right
STEP 11
Paramount executive catches old rerun of Dynasty and thinks, “I could make that cost a quarter of a billion dollars”