SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

STEP 1

Invent remaining 2,348 technologies needed to make trip possible

STEP 2

$10 billion appears

STEP 3

Cost of spaceship reduced by going with cheap Venetian plaster instead of more expensive marble

STEP 4

Before departing, voyagers visit doctor to receive all the CDC–recommended vaccines for trip to another celestial body

STEP 5

Tell poor people we’ll come back for them

STEP 6

Humanity runs away from all of its problems at 5,375 mph

STEP 7

Spaceship gets passed on left by reckless asteroid

STEP 8

Those not murdered by fellow passengers land safely on Mars three months later

STEP 9

Set up utilities and Wi-Fi

STEP 10

Apply for construction permits within notoriously byzantine bureaucracy of the Intergalactic Department of Buildings

STEP 11

Group photo

STEP 12

Build entire civilization from scratch

STEP 13

Future Mars population considers colonizing barren wasteland of Earth in last-ditch effort to save species