NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom Holdings. “It just goes to show that if you lose your ambition, never put in the effort, and have no idea what you’re doing, you can steadily fall down the corporate ladder and reach the very bottom of a major company,” said the total dope, adding that the key to failure is being the first person to fuck up in the morning and the last person to fuck up at night. “Some people are born unlucky, but the rest of us have to slack off every single day to get noticed and earn those demotions. I’m living proof!” Kellerman added that if he keeps it up, he could soon be washing the windows of a top-floor corner office.