Almost No One
WASHINGTON—Though officials apparently assumed they would get away with a deeply corrupt inside deal Tuesday, this morning’s edition of The Onion confirmed that one news organization—and only one news organization—had been onto them all along. “I honestly thought no one would have the guts or the expertise to report on such a complex story,” said Washington lobbyist Lawrence Cade, who, as a result of the article’s clarity and emotional depth—something rarely seen in political reporting—was arrested Monday along with a group of 26 others, including House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “I should have known the one news source that takes its responsibility as watchdog and gatekeeper more seriously than anyone else would have been working on this shocking story from the moment I picked up the phone and called the CEO of Monsanto.” Government officials who were taken into custody told reporters they would plead guilty to all charges, saying it would be impossible to find any holes in The Onion’s coverage of the illicit plot.