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    • From the Print Edition

      Destroyer

      Captain Asks Stranger To Keep Eye On Destroyer While He Runs To Bathroom

      01.06.2009

    • Stockwatch

      Eddie Bauer

      Stock prices climbed today on word that waffle shawl-collar pullovers were now available in eggplant and chestnut heather.

      01.06.2009

    • Shakopee Groton Ypsilanti

      National News Highlights

      United States Map

      Roll over locations for news

      • SHAKOPEE, MN—Dave Hover started to say something but stopped because the last time he interrupted his pastor's sermon everyone in the church got mad.
      • GROTON, MA—Dana Nestro went back to reading a book after confirming the guiro, conga, and xylophone coming out of her TV was not the Sex And The City theme.
      • YPSILANTI, MI—Since becoming a mentor, John Testa has discovered that he has a lot to offer young people who own a copy of Naruto: Ultimate Ninja Storm for PS3.

      01.05.2009

    • Editorial Cartoon

      Phelps

      Editorial Cartoon
      January 5, 2009

      01.05.2009

    • Editorial Cartoon

      Unleaded Gas

      Editorial Cartoon
      December 29, 2008

      12.29.2008

    • Editorial Cartoon

      XFL

      Editorial Cartoon
      December 22, 2008

      12.22.2008

    • Obituaries

      Gary

      Game designer Gary Gygax died in his parents dungeon after a lengthy battle with a manticore.

      »More 2008 Obituaries

      12.17.2008

    • Sunday Magazine

      Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff: 'Everyone Was Close To Dying Only 7 Times This Year'

      More Magazines

      12.15.2008

    • Editorial Cartoon

      Racism

      Editorial Cartoon
      December 15, 2008

      12.15.2008

    • TV Listings

      A Commercial For Mortgages That Looks Like A News Report

      ABC

      7:07 p.m. EST/6:07 p.m. CST

      Wait a minute... weren't you just watching Jeopardy?

      12.15.2008

    • From the Print Edition

      Armless, Legless Tiger Woods Wins U. S. Open

      Armless, Legless Tiger Woods Wins U. S. Open

      12.15.2008

    • Unsung Heroes

      Snowplow

      For the sake of their kids, snowplow operator Ed Callahan decided not to skip the street where his ex-wife and her jerk boyfriend live.

      12.13.2008

    • TV Listings

      145-Pound Mom

      TLC

      2 p.m. EST/1 p.m. CST

      Anne Bentley copes with the day-to-day realities of being a healthy weight for a 39-year-old woman.

      12.12.2008

    • Sunday Magazine

      We Think This Guy Might Seriously Be The Real Santa Clause

      More Magazines

      12.12.2008

    • TV Listings

      Mrs. Dr.

      CBS

      8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

      Holly continues to struggle with having two titles while filling out an application for a Blockbuster card.

      12.11.2008

    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      If you could spare a meal, I'd surely appreciate the bounty of your table. I aim to do some work 'round here to make things right. Thank you kindly.

      —C. Meldrum, Manhattan, NY

      12.10.2008

    • Weddings

      Topper

      Kyle Withers and Danielle Ehlert got married Saturday, despite looking nothing like their wedding cake topper.

      12.06.2008

    • Corrections

      In last week's article about small business, The Onion incorrectly identified the cashier at Bobby's Furniture Warehouse. It doesn't matter anymore, as he died in a car crash yesterday.

      12.06.2008

    Issue Highlights

    • Woman Recreating Famous Marilyn Monroe Photo Has Rat Blown Up Skirt

    • Strongerman Squeezes Phone Book Halves Back Together

    • Area Man Asked To Demonstrate How He Squirms Uncomfortably When Put On The Spot

    • Friend Wants To Know If That’s Sister In Picture

    Personal of the Day